Humbled and Blessed

11-19-19

Humbled and blessed by Ladii

Going to the grocery store has always been a trigger for anxiety. When asked to go, I could feel my inside going crazy. I know we have to eat and I know we needed things around the house. So I would ask my one daughter to go with me so that she could calm me down in case I felt anxious. I used to love shopping, because I didn’t worry about money, no let me take that back and start that statement over, I used to live shopping because I DIDN’T KNOW THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR. I always had bills from the time I had my first daughter. My husband worked like a slave horse in the Midwest. I never kept a shopping list or a calculator, I would just grab whatever my stomach wanted. In my head I thought, it doesn’t matter I want it therefore I’m gonna buy it. Then when I hit the register I paid for it and it would always be well over what I expected. As time went on and the bills could not get paid, I didn’t want to spend any money not even on myself. Holidays and events was the worst. My husband would put a BIG grocery list on the refrigerator for whatever the holiday was and I would take a look and go humph I don’t know where he thinks he’s gonna have the money for this. I would be just happy to have a piece of chicken and sit my being over in the corner. You see my husband loves the holidays and his family was big on all of the food at the serving table. They had the money and money wasn’t a problem for them. I grew up always wanting. I remember about 6 months ago I went to the store and my heart was beating 100 times a minute and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Oh my goodness, stress on top of stress for me. My family has gone through so much all I ever dreamed of was to go to work and get them bills paid, my sister used to say I can take a dollar and stretch that sucker to the max, I would hold onto it and never let it go. We have gone without lights, gas, water, food. You name it we didn’t have it. I stayed depressed. I looked at the Jones’s and wondered how they did it. I wanted to be like them. I wanted their life, they shopped, git their hair done, drive beautiful cars and had beautiful houses. My life just sucked. I started at a Church about 2 years ago, and I met Christians who regardless of what they was going through they Praised God anyways. I listened to the choir (later joined) I listened to my Pastor and he would preach like it was his last breath! My Spirit of The Lord whispered to me, what you sitting there for, you been a lot my child, I brought you out of many things, why you just sitting there? You better let your light shine and Praise Me, don’t I deserve your Hallelujah? Before I knew it, I jumped up and the rest is history. But the struggle didn’t stop, the depression didn’t stop, the anxiety didn’t stop, the tears kept coming. Wait Lotd what’s happening to me? I again heard the Lord say, I am still with you, don’t stop seeking me, I didn’t say you wouldn’t struggle, I love your praise! Hallelujah. All I wanted to do from there is move my family, get my degree, get a better job..just something! Ease my pain, did you notice I said EASE, easing it calmed my storm. God heard me and my prayers was answered. No it wasn’t California dreams, no I don’t have the best job but I have one, but something else happened that I promise you, I did not see coming not at all!! Are you ready?? After moving, I took my daughter to the grocery store, she had her calculator, I set a budget. What??? I saw things that I wanted but didn’t need, my heart was racing, I was afraid I wanted to run out of the store, I was breathing so hard you could hear it. My daughter rubbed my back as we went up and down the aisle. I hit my budget. I felt sick. You mean to tell me I didn’t have any extras like cookies or chips for the family? I felt like my life was over, the test was real..at the check out line, I watched the number and it was getting higher and higher. I looked at my daughter, she whispered, it’s okay mommy! Not only did I hit my budget but I had a sense of relief for once. The next time i went to cvs, and I started couponing and the more I got the more coupons I was getting and I was excited, yes I was excited! I bought bulk and stayed within my budget and I thought I hit the lottery. Hallelujah God Hallelujah. Then our family was blessed again, with furniture. My uncle blessed us with his truck. Hallelujah again and again. And just recently we was blessed with food for our first Thanksgiving in our new home. Thank you mommy. Yes, I still have anxiety, I still move at hundred miles per minute but my family will come to me as soon as it happens and quickly remind me it’s okay.